my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows