I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.