DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.