horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
gm
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings