*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
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My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.