You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
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They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs