The glory of fall.
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I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I don’t hate children, just yours.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”