I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.