Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
#Caturday
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.