[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
You Might Also Like
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
man i love columbo
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My time has come.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash