2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
asked my bf how work was today
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.