Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.