Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.