When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.