the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR