@JeffSarcastic

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

@JeffSarcastic

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

@JeffSarcastic

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.