Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Ah yes. The three genders
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir