I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
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Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
i smell a pulitzer
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
inside you are two wolves
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.