@Jeffwni

“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”

*embarrassed silence in the room*

“Wow. Tough crowd.”

Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@Jeffwni

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@Jeffwni

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

@Jeffwni

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

@Jeffwni

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.