in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
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Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.