I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Mmm…do that thing I like
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.