I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next