A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*