One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]