*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
You Might Also Like
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Thursday
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair