@JermHimselfish

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

@JermHimselfish

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

@JermHimselfish

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

@JermHimselfish

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

@JermHimselfish

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@JermHimselfish

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.