@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@JermHimselfish

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

@JermHimselfish

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

@JermHimselfish

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

@JermHimselfish

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together