Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.