I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.