The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.