Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
the clam before the storm
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*