Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Herpes is trending, good job people
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.