A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Me irl
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me irl
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.