Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.