Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
San Francisco has too many rules
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride