Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of JillianKarger's best tweets

@JillianKarger : DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

@JillianKarger: FUTURE ME: i've come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn't you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it's a really bad shirt jill

@JillianKarger: [walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

@JillianKarger: **Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

@JillianKarger: DANDELION: yay i'm a flower

GOD: no you're a weed

DANDELION: that sucks

GOD: it's okay, when you die kids will blow on your dead body and make wishes

DANDELION: what

@JillianKarger: inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

@JillianKarger: REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn... Oh goddamn it.

@JillianKarger: friend: you're not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

@JillianKarger: boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that's a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don't hear liars

@JillianKarger: SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me