If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.