Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
That de-escalated quickly
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.