@JoParkerBear: Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you've been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
@JoParkerBear: The past couple of nights, I've been partying like it's 1999. But it's not 1999. It's 2018, and my body is furious.
@JoParkerBear: If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
@JoParkerBear: *Googles: pet raccoons
"Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in..."
"What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!"
@JoParkerBear: Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
@JoParkerBear: I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
@JoParkerBear: *phone rings
15: I hope it's him!
25: hope it's about the job
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
@JoParkerBear: Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.