I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST