Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name