Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up