Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom