I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
This is amazing.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
I’m Sold!
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it