1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Not all heroes wear capes…
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
dutch is not a serious language
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.