I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
i hate you platonically
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord