I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.