I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You Might Also Like
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”