You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework