Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
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Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I put the p in pants.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.