When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
![]()
You Might Also Like
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
![]()
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
![]()
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
![]()
![]()
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…![]()
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
and now we wait
![]()
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
![]()
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
![]()
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”