[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.